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So You Want to Marry a Millionaire |
As a high-end designer tuxedo, I know my upper class clients. So when I see all this "Marry a Millionaire" stuff on the tube, I have to laugh. These shows don't have a clue. If you want to know how to hitch a Big Fish, just listen to yours truly, the clothing that makes the man.
First things first, know your facts. Although there's a ton more of millionaires these days--somewhere over five million in the United States alone--it doesn't mean these guys are all available. Truth is most of these guys are married and there's only eight out of one hundred that rent me that are single. How do I know this? The married guys are never alone with the wife or significant other clinging to their side for fear the money might slip through their hands.
Marrying a millionaire clearly depends on locating one out of the billions of people in the world. You can't just walk in to IBM's boardroom and ask to be taken to lunch so what's a marrying gal to do? The answer is to frequent the social places that millionaire frequent so that a chance encounter won't appear brash and out of place. From personal experience I know that money-makers are forever renting me and other special occaision tuxedos for those monthly charity functions. I've even noticed women's tuxedos at these functions so you could come dressed to kill.
Of course finding the millionaire mark is one thing, but actually picking up a millionaire is a whole other art form. Over the years I've seen my guys get hit on in all different ways, shapes, and forms. I've seen ladies purposely wait for my guy to leave his chair at a charity function so they could occupy it and have an excuse to strike up a conversation when he returned. I've even heard of women purposely buying and walking a guy-magnet dog in wealthy neighborhoods in hopes of catching Mr. Moneybags' eye.
In trading stories with my friends in sports apparel, I've heard of a slam dunk that snares the rich guys every time. First you have to find a tennis club where the millionaires like to serve and volley. Next, observe the man of your dreams playing and what type of tennis ball he uses. Quickly purchase a few cans of the same number tennis ball and reserve yourself a court right next to his. Then purposely backhand a few shots over to his court so that the confusion can begin. Whose ball is whose? This opens up a fun line of discourse that can easily lead to an apology of, "Let me buy you a drink to say I'm sorry."
Okay, so let's say one of these plans to run into a millionaire works. Now what? Well, first you've got to get him to go for that first date. The easiest way to do this is to establish some common interests and then show how enthusiastic you are about these interests. So don't talk about your stuffed animal collection unless you want a quick goodbye. Instead, you might want to talk about your love of art, stocks and bonds, and The Wall Street Journal.
If the above works, then you are probably headed for your first date. Personally, I would suggest going someplace that requires getting all dolled up in evening gowns and designer tuxedos. But if you can't pull that off at least try to go somewhere you won't have to talk the whole time. Try to steer things to the opera or a play so that you can kill some of the evening just sitting next to each other. Too much information (aka talking about yourself) can kill a first impression. It's far better to be entertained and discuss the merits of what you just watched. You could even have done some pre-first date research about the play or opera so your opinion comes off extremely educated.
Inviting Mr. Moneybags home is something that should be planned for way in advance. You don't want your new friend to walk in on a messy apartment with overfilled garbage cans and fuzzy toilet seats. Instead think of how to make your place appear inviting. Maybe borrow some well known art prints and put them on display? Or maybe get your hands on an espresso machine and practice working it for after dinner coffee? The key is to not look eccentric or needy--both big turnoffs for the rich man.
And while we are on the subject, here's a few No-No's you might want to avoid. Do not ever suggest that your pet should accompany the two of you anywhere. Don't ask him to take out the garbage for you. Don't leave out for common view an abundance of anti-depressant medications. Don't over him a pinch of chewing tobacco. And lastly, don't ever (and I mean never) ask him any questions about his life insurance policy, self-worth, or beneficiaries.
If you heed my words, you will well be on your way to wedding bell bliss. Knowing these rich types as well as I do, you might want to seal the deal as quickly as possible. These guys are fickle and if given too much time to think about anything, will pull their offer off the table. Consider a quick elopement rather than a big, planned wedding. Although I am a fan of five hundred guests in formal attire--tuxedos rentals everywhere--I think it best to not have an affair where Cousin Merna and Aunt Edna can embarrass you beyond belief by parking their beat up trailer right smack in the middle of the wedding reception's parking lot.
Good luck. I'll be looking for you on the next edition of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."
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